How To Stand Up For Yourself And Be Assertive

Today we are going to talk about how to stand up for yourself in life.

This page will cover the audio above, the transcript and then we will discuss further tips,frequently asked questions about standing up for yourself further down the page.

Stand Up For Yourself Transcript

0 (1s):
Hi there and welcome to the podcast for changeyourlifeforever.co.uk. It’s Scott, your host talking.

And today we are going to talk about how to stand up for yourself because I’m sure everybody, at some point in time, has kinda felt as if there either being bullied or their doing something that they don’t want to do, or they are having a conversation that isn’t going their way and trying to be assertive and dealing with it in the right way is really difficult.

But if you don’t stand up for yourself, the problem is is you kinda become weaker inside to the point that you probably go away and you will be unhappy with the situation and it won’t resolve itself.

0 (42s):
And the situation will probably get worse, but you don’t have to be rude when you are standing up for yourself, you have to be assertive. So you have to make sure, first of all, that you listen to what that person is saying. And then you need to think before you speak, when you deliver your message to them, because otherwise, what you’ll find is, when somebody’s talking to you, when they are not happy with you, when it is a confrontation, they will say all sorts of different things.

0 (1m 13s):
And if you get sucked into that conversation, you will end up retaliating, getting your back up and probably, either acting aggressively or saying the wrong things. So its really important that you listen to what that person is actually talking to you about then work out, whether it is something that is something that you’ve done or it’s something that they’ve done. As an example, I had a young lady working for me and she was under so much pressure at work and she thought the program manager was being rude.

0 (1m 47s):
She didn’t think she was doing a good job. And she got herself really, really upset. And when I spoke too her, I said have an appointment with the program manager sit her down and just tell her how you feel, tell her how its making you feel the way that she is treating you and as a result of that. What happened was the program manager was actually in agony, she had a really bad back injury and unfortunately the drugs, they were taking weren’t working very well. So she was just being abrupt and she was being a little bit ruder than she would normally would be.

0 (2m 22s):
But after that, because this lady had pointed it out to the program manager, the program manager then obviously started to behave in a much better way. So if you deal with things like that in a sensible way, then you will find that the solution is much better and talking to people, working things out without getting irate without getting agitated, without doing a tit for tat conversation, then things do get better, but you cannot just sit there and let people walk all over you.

0 (2m 57s):
Unless you know, some people say kindness is weakness, kindness is not a weakness, kindness is the best gift that you can bestow upon anybody, but where kindness does become a problem is when you do not stand up for yourself and that is if people are taking advantage of your good nature, if they are not being polite, if they are not helping you, if they’re not giving back and that’s where you do need to stand up for yourself and it could be to stand up for yourself, with your parents, with bullies, with lots of different scenarios at work, but don’t let it lie.

0 (3m 34s):
The best thing to do is to have confidence in who you are and confidence we’ve talked about before you build confidence up by being positive about your own persona, being happy with who you are and the way that you respond to situations and being a good and empathetic person. And by being empathic, that means that you’ve put yourself in that other person’s shoes. You look at the conversation from their perspective before you stand up to them.

0 (4m 6s):
But sometimes conversation’s as well. You will get to the point where you do have a disagreement. You do have a stalemate. You can not move forward with it and in that case, you, you still stand up for yourself, but you agree with that party to disagree on that, but move forward because as adults, as we move through life, we’re gonna come across people that treat us badly, that treat us in a way that we’re not happy with. And if we don’t stand up for ourselves then we’re gonna get walked over. We’re not gonna have our points of view, we’re not going to be able to say what we need to.

0 (4m 41s):
But you need to deal with it in a really professional and sensible way, which means tackling it when you’ve got time to think about it properly, that you’ve got clarity of mind. So that you’re saying the right things, you’re doing, the right things. Your not being aggressive, but you’re just talking to that person about how that situation makes you feel and I guarantee on the majority of occasion’s most people just snap. Their under stress. They are having a bad day.

0 (5m 11s):
There is a misunderstanding or they haven’t listen properly. And if you take the time to discuss it with them, if it turns out that they are just a knob, then you need to walk away from them. If they don’t understand where you’re coming from, and you put across, your points of view in a really calm and clear way, and they don’t understand it, then walk away from them because sometimes you can’t argue with stupid and that’s something that my wife says, not to me, but you know, in previous experiences and its very, very true because when somebody doesn’t see your point of view, when somebody wants to dominate you, when somebody wants to make you feel bad about yourself, that’s them trying to control you.

0 (5m 55s):
And you should never let anybody control. You should be your own person. You should deal with that. And as another example, I worked for a big insurance company once and I was a manager of one of the sites and I went on holiday. They put somebody in to replace me, but they never did all the reports. And while I was away. So when I went to the management meeting just before Christmas, the managing director told me that my reports haven’t been submitted. So he’s gonna deduct 40% of my pay.

0 (6m 26s):
And I was like, hold on a minute. I wasn’t even there. I didn’t, I didn’t have anything to do with that. You put this person in and they said, no, no. We’re going to deduct 40% of your pay. And I was livid. So rather than let it lie, I did stand up for myself. And I wrote the CIO, a letter to say that it was actually against the law to take money out of my account. It didn’t turn out well, to be honest, what happened then was a, I got a phone call from the managing director. I got sacked on the spot.

0 (6m 56s):
Then I got a phone call from the regional manager saying I wasn’t sacked and I could go back in to the office. Then the regional manager come round and started giving me written warnings and verbal warnings about dust on the photocopier and all sorts of things and the end I had to leave the job. There was no way that I would accept being bullied by this person who was just being completely irrational and completely un-understanding. So sometimes you do have to walk away.

0 (7m 27s):
Sometimes you can’t win these conversations, but if you don’t stand up for yourself, you will become a mouse. So you need to raise your shoulders, walk around, be confident in yourself. Be Assertive, don’t take crap from people unless they’ve got something to say and it is relevant and you’ve been an idiot and you have been silly and you have done the wrong things. And then you need to look at it from their perspective, from your perspective and use that to grow as a person and become a better person as a result of that, because we all do wrong things.

0 (8m 1s):
We all make mistakes in life, but you really do need to stand up for yourself. And my dad always told me when I was the kid and don’t do this yourself. Okay. But when we were younger, obviously things were a bit different at schools and stuff, generally you sorted things out with your fists rather than anything else was completely the wrong way to do it. But my dad always taught me to stand up for myself. And if someone bullied me was just to have a pop at them first, because bullies pick on people that they think they can take advantage of that they think aren’t confident and assertive enough to be able to deal with it.

0 (8m 38s):
And they will continue to do that. They wouldn’t walk up to the most confident, assertive person and bully them because they know they wouldn’t win, or they know that they would be in for a challenge. So when you are assertive, when you are calm and you talk to people about the situation understand what’s happening, deal with it in a, in a sensible way, then you can come out with a good solution to the problem. But you do and always have to stand up for yourself.

My Top Tips On Standing Up For Yourself

1. Don’t be scared – The likelyhood is that if someone causes you to have to stick up for yourself then you will feel like it has put you in a bad position. Just don’t let those intrusive thoughts put you off, just approach them in calm manner, take deep breaths and wait for them to finish talking. Then think about you are going to say but be clear and make sure that you get your point across.
2. Take your time – don’t let anyone suck you into an argument straight away. If you need too ask the person if you can come back to them on that as you would like to think about it. When we react to things, we generally say or do the wrong thing. It is always better to have clarity of mind and come out with a good story when sticking up for yourself.
3. Be courageous – Know that if you don’t stand up for yourself that you will be walked over. People will back down when you speak up for yourself. Hopefully you will also point out that they were wrong and that they should have approached it in a better way. Pluck up the courage to be that strong person that you are.
4. Believe this will make you stronger – Learning about ourselves is a really important part of self development and when you learn to speak up for yourself, you will have a voice. People will listen and you will adapt your behavior to fit in as you find out more about who you are as a person too. Every conversation we have can be taken in a different way by everyone that is listening. Some people will only get half of the picture because they were not listening properly in the first place. So become a strong person and get your view point across.
5. Learn to say no – If you disagree with something that someone has said. Learn to say no, I don’t agree with you. We should all be able to have discussions rather than arguments and if you can come to an agreement between you. Then you are much better placed than creating an argument or simply leaving things.
6. Have confidence in yourself – Learning to value yourself as a person will also give you the confidence in your voice. I have a clear definition that i am always kind to everyone. This is not a weakness but i know that i have done everything I can to be a great husband, father, work colleague. So if someone does argue with me it is normally them that has the hump and not me. It is so much easier to stand up for myself when I am doing all the right things in the first place. Yes sometimes i can be an idiot too and I accept that but when someone stands up to you too, that is your opportunity to be empathic and see the story from their side as well.
7. Don’t be a hypocrite – If you have a habit yourself of pushing someone around or dominating them, then you cannot complain if someone does this to you. Karma has a way of coming around and giving you the same treatment. So if you want to speak up for yourself, then encourage other people around to do the same too.

Situations Where You Might Have To Speak Up For Yourself

1. Against bullies – There are bullies everywhere to be honest with you and learning to deal with this is an important part of life. Unfortunately we cannot get away from these critters. The best thing here is to report their behavior and let someone else correct it. It is likely that they might not see your point of view at all, it is always worth trying but if they continue their behavior. Then report them to the right person and do not put up with it.
2. Against parents – We all have run ins with our parents. We go through stages were we think they do not understand us and they don’t care. Generally this is not true and they will be looking out for you. Again sit down and talk calmly with your parents and let them know how you are feeling about things. Ask their advice and take their advice, but you will never know what it is like as a parent until you become one yourself. So look after each other and learn to discuss things rather than get into arguments.
3. In a relationship – Relationships are meant to be great and yes sometimes you will have disagrements on things. Again if you love each other then you will see eye to eye eventually. However if you are being bullied or not listened to by your partner, then you do have to stand up and speak up for yourself. If you don’t then you will just stack up issues against each other and then one day you will burst and say everything you wanted to say. It is okay to disagree with people but you have to have decent conversations and agreements to move forward to make things work out properly.
4. In school – This is a hard one because kids can be cruel. They will be even crueler however if you allow them to pick you and don’t stand up for yourself along the way. You don;t have to be rude or cause problems here though, take the person to one side and tell them how this situation makes you feel. I am sure if someone was doing it to them then they wouldn’t like it either. If they continue to be horrible then report them and at least you have given them warning here.
5. To your boss – This can be difficult but your boss is no different than anyone else. So you need to approach this with tact and also make sure that there are no flies on you either. If your boss is giving you trouble because you aren’t doing your work, then that is a very different problem than them being rude to you. If it is the latter again sit down with them and tell them how you feel and how can you resolve the issue for the best result for both parties. Hopefully they should listen and by speak up for yourself, you will have at least tried to resolve it, rather than it rearing it’s head again in the future.

Frequently Asked Questions About Sticking Up For Yourself

1. What to say when standing up for yourself? This will change based on circumstances. What I do is. I ask the person to repeat what it was that they said. This allows them and I to understand exactly what the problem is in the first place. It might be just a misunderstanding or it could be that the person is being rude or acting in a way that requires me to speak up. So verify the conversation and have a discussion over it to see whether you can see common ground. If the person is trying to pursuade you in a way that you do not agree with, then tell them that. Let them know why you don’t agree and how it makes you feel. Also understand why they are asking in the first place however too. Everything we do in life will take some type of negotiation and you with practice you will learn the right things to say without being rude.
2. How do you be assertive whilst standing up for yourself? Tell the person NO that this is not what you want and the reason behind it. You don’t have to be rude but if you do not believe the situation is true then get your point across in a calm and well mannered way. Sometimes we get our own backs up first before really listening, so if you fully understand the situation then saying NO can be a good thing to do. Do not let people walk over you and make sure that they are aware that they have disgruntled you and why. Again you don’t have to be rude, but just say. Hi did you really mean to say that in that way, because this is how I took it.
3. How do I stand up for myself as a guy? This is the same for everyone to be honest. Guy or girl, we all need to speak up and not get walked over.
4. What happens when you to stand up to a narcissist? The likelyhood is that they will continue to argue with you. They might be up and down at times and agree with you sometimes and not others. This is more reason to get your point across and speak up, otherwise they may take advantage of you and the situation.
5. Why is it so hard for me to stand up for myself? Becasue sometimes we lack confidence and it is hard when someone is beating on you. The more you get used to doing it however, the easier it becomes. You just have to muster up the courage to stop the conversation and steer it in the right direction. I don’t take anything personally from anyone because generally their opinion doesn’t matter and as I said if you are kind and considerate to people, it is generally them that feels a fool in the end anyway.
6. How do I stop being a pushover? Learn to be more confident and take baby steps towards speaking up. It is a good thing to do to look after yourself, so don’t let people take advanatge of you. Believe that you are worth more than that and the way they are viewing you is wrong. Give unconditionally but don’t expect anything back and just be kind. Be happy in your own mind, unless someone is paying your bills, is your child or spouse then you shouldn’t let anyone push you over.
7. How do i speak for myself without being rude? You think about what you need to say and approach it in a calm and collected manner. You keep your cool and explain yourself in a way that gives the other person your viewpoint without attacking them or pointing out that they are wrong. When we get into tat for tat conversations they aren’t healthy. But if you adopt a calm approach to just expressing your feelings, you allow the other person to do the same too.

So that is everything I have to say on standing up for yourself today. If you want to improve your life, see it in a different way and learn to speak up for yourself. Then please do join my transformation program below and we can have a laugh along the way too.

Wishing you all the very best in your future Scott